Lately I find myself unable to be productive or effective. Hence, my long absence from blogging.
It’s not depression. It’s not anxiety. Or maybe it’s both. The thing that I have been doing is getting on the mat a little bit each day. Because that’s what clears my mind and moves the energy through my body and helps me get to the other side. Even more consistently I’ve been meditating. For so many years mediation was a chore, something I did because it’s what good yogis do. It was a struggle. It was uncomfortable. Finally, it’s become my safe haven. Both are the little things that I can do on a daily basis that keeps things in perspective and moving forward.
Hence, my return to blogging. And the rest of my life.
I’m in the process of moving, again, which means my perspective has shifted, again. The way I think about work, my love, my kids is changing. Again. It’s not scary this time, well maybe a little bit, but it’s welcome. This is a change I really want. Ultimately this move and change will make my life more stable and I will have a solid base. It’s been a long time.
The most powerful thing I’ve learned from this long period of craziness in my life is that I really do get to choose. The type of life I get is directly proportional to the choices I make on a daily basis. And if you’re thinking about your life and thinking She Doesn’t Know, believe me I do. I’ve been through periods of extreme financial insecurity, crazy bad relationships, sick parents, not truly homeless, but not knowing where I was living. It’s been a bumpy road of external factors that I thought were beyond my control and they led to a lot of uncertainty, anxiety and consistent uneasiness. And a lot of beating myself up.
I few weeks ago I faced a difficult situation that I really wanted to run from. As I was about to slink out the back door and wallow in the comfort of ramen and netflix a little voice in the back of my head said, “Melissa, just show up.” I sighed and my shoulders slumped because I knew the voice was right. If the situation was going to get better, I needed to show up. I’m not in control of outcomes, but to have the slightest chance of a good outcome I had to show up. If, as I feared, the situation was going to blow up and I would face loss I had to show up. I had to have a hand in the outcome that was going to severely alter my life and I needed to act like a grown up and clean up the mess. I had to show up. I did and things actually got better.
Showing up is one of those daily choices that makes a big difference. While ramen and netflix are valid choices some of the time, they’re not choices that embrace showing up. They’re choices for when you need to retreat, relax and regroup.
Showing up makes the external factors feel a little less uncontrollable. Showing up gives you power in the difficult times. Doing what you can do in the moment is a way of being productive when you’re not feeling productive, a way of being effective when you’re not feeling effective. Some days my showing up is just getting on the mat, sometimes it’s facing a difficult time, but the more I do it the easier it gets and before I know it there are positive changes happening right and left.
I’ve been absent for a bit. It’s often a struggle to blog when I’m feeling ineffectual and powerless. This is me showing up.