It’s been a tough week. Well, a tough two weeks. I’d like to exaggerate and say whatever could have gone wrong, did. That’s hyperbolic and thank goddess that’s not what happened. Everything didn’t go wrong. A lot did, though.
So, today as I traveled from full-time mommying to solo life in New York, I listened to some podcasts and tried to get back on track. I listened to Tony Robbins interview Pitbull. And as Tony is so great at doing, he reminded me to be grateful for my hardships.
It took me a long time to get here. A really long time. I get it now. I didn’t for my twenties, thirties or most of my forties. I heard people say they wouldn’t be who they were if it weren’t for the hard times. All I could think of was who I might be if I hadn’t had the crappy childhood and the resulting behaviors. I imagined a life free of struggle, a life blessed by financial freedom and full of social confidence, stability and security.
To be embarrassingly honest, I didn’t fully get it till just a few years ago. I was starting to wrap my head around it, slowly but surely moving towards what I knew instinctively to be true. Then, I saw I Am Not Your Guru, the documentary about Tony Robbins. I heard about his crappy childhood and saw where he is and it clicked. I got it!
Now, I’m not a big fan of trendy documentaries or pop-psych, but that’s what it took for me to get it. I heard the right words at the right time.
Now, I embrace my crappy childhood and my big struggles. They do make me who I am and for that I’m grateful, but also, they have made me really good at what I do and able to really embrace the imperfect and not be so judgmental and accept people for who they are, where they are; all traits that are so important to the healing work that I do.
I also know and accept that pain is where the big healing and the big growth happens. I know, it sounds so trendy and woo-woo, but it’s also true. I have slowly, reluctantly learned to sit with the discomfort and learned not to act out.
I love my life. LOVE IT! This week was a hard one, though. It was hard cause my kid was sick and then my kid was hurt and I made mistakes that really affected my day to day life and made me feel worthless and hopeless and I got hit hard by the fuck-its. If you don’t know the fuck-its, you’re lucky. It’s the place where nothing matters and the more you can self-sabotage and hurt yourself, the better you feel. Some people eat a tub of ice cream, some people spend their paycheck at the mall and some of us really like to go deep and big and do irreparable damage to our lives and ourselves. Guess which one I am?
So, I got to a truly terrible place, which is a funny thing for me to admit, cause I like to hide it from everyone I know and I can be in the fuck-its, thinking my life is over, or that I’d like to end it, but then I’ll be making plans for three months from now. I’m a complicated bird. I actually have grown a bit and don’t hide it from my sweetie, but alternatelivly, I feel guilty for stressing someone else out.
The fuck-its passed, as they always do. That’s a set of skills I’ve only learned in the last six years or so. The world is not actually ending, even though it feels really, really bad, I now know that I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, do what I need to do and the fuck-its will pass.
Years ago I went to an awesome Sunday morning sermon by Rev, Paulette Pipe at Unity Church of Lawrence in Kansas. It was called If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Going. Based on the Winston Churchill quote, it was examples from Paulette’s life about times she just wanted to sit in the mud and cry, but she kept going. And she reminded us that whatever you do, you do NOT want to stop in the middle of hell. It’s hot and uncomfortable and it is a place where there is no joy or grace. She illuminated the gifts on the other side of hell and how if she’d stop having faith, if she’d stopped believing that there was something better, she never would have done things like move to the US from the UK. That sermon was life-changing and she’s still someone that I like to listen to when I need a little reality check and I need to remember that the universe celebrates and supports me.
The link above is Paulette’s radio show on Unity radio. And the best part? She has this soothing English-accented voice that if you doubt that you are loved, open and grateful, she’ll remind you.
Danielle LaPorte says, “It’s not the pain that drives you insane, it’s the fear that the pain will go on and on.”
I believe that. Completely. I also get really exhausted that I’m BACK in the fuck-its. WHY do I have to go the fuck-its in the first place? That can make it last even longer for me.
So, this round of the fuck-its was long and hard, but it did pass. I’m on the other side and life seems exciting and fun again. I’m a little wary and a little worried about the next time, which will come, cause it always does, but today I’m on the other side and all is okay.
I know I’ve said it. I LOVE my life. I love holding space and healing people that are in pain. I’m good at what I do. You know why? Cause I get it. I get how hard and big and ugly it can be. I get it in my bones, deep in my soul and swirling around my head. So when I meet someone in the fuck-its, I know they’re not exaggerating, I know how much it hurts and how it seems way too hard. We all need that gentle hug, that reminder, that nudge towards the other side. Being so hurt, so damaged, so tired and so done has taught me how to just hold space and give that gentle nudge.
The other gift? When the darkness passes, the light is so bright. I know, that sounds woo-woo and hippy dippy, but it’s true. Coming back into the light feels like I’ve had a big purge. I feel lighter and everything feels lighter. Also, beginner’s mind is right there, so easy to touch and feel and that always makes the work of beginner’s mind so simple and easy.
So until the next time the fuck-its find me, I’m feeling lucky, grateful and blessed to have felt the pain.